3 Reasons Why You May Be Angry

I really think anger is a misunderstood emotion. We tend to think of emotions as “good” or “bad” and anger is definitely an emotion that most people think is “bad.” The truth is, emotions are neither good nor bad, but they can help alert us to situations that need our attention so we can take action. What can be bad, are the behaviors we engage in based on our emotions. When we feel angry, there is nothing wrong with the feeling itself. But if we yell, throw things, or make mean comments to others when we are angry, then that is a problem. In order to be more in control of your behaviors, it helps to understand your feelings first. So let’s look at 3 reasons you may be angry.

Reason #1: The anger is distracting you from a different emotion.

You may have heard this before, “Anger is a secondary emotion.” What that means is that there is a primary emotion that we feel, but instead of focusing on that emotion we allow anger to take charge. This usually happens when our primary emotion is more vulnerable, such as fear, embarrassment, or hurt. Anger can be a powerful feeling, so it makes sense that we would prefer to feel powerful rather than vulnerable. Here is a great example: My husband is a Reconnaissance Marine, and during a night training exercise one of the Marines in his squad was killed when his parachute did not deploy properly. My husband came home several hours late that night, and explained what had happened. It was terrible. After that incident, I noticed that whenever he forgot to tell me he would be late coming home I would be very upset and we would have an argument, even if he was only late a few minutes. It took me a while, but I realized that what I was really feeling was fear and worry. After I was able to pinpoint what was fueling my anger, I was able to better recognize the fear and address it appropriately rather than resort to just getting angry. 

Reason #2: You have an expectation (either of yourself or of others) that is not met.

I think it is safe to say that we are all going to experience a lot of disappointment in life. But sometimes we don’t realize just how many expectations we have and that can lead to feeling angry. Here is a classic example: If you expect your spouse will have dinner ready and the house clean when you get home, you may get upset when that doesn’t happen. However if you realize that you have an expectation (one that your spouse may not share, by the way), you can find ways to adjust those expectations so you can look forward to coming home without getting upset. 

Reason #3: You feel a sense of injustice.

I think we bring this with us from our days on the elementary school playground – we like things to be fair. Unfortunately, life is not fair but that doesn’t mean we don’t get upset when we are reminded of that fact. Sometimes recognizing injustice is a way for us to take action, and anger is a great way to push people toward action. Perhaps you keep getting passed over for promotion even though you increase your work productivity and responsibilities. If you realize that you are not being treated fairly based on your work ethic, anger can help give you the motivation to look for a different job. But it is important to recognize what you are feeling so you can take the appropriate action. 

Is there more?

I should mention that you may find yourself in a situation where all three of these reasons are applicable and contribute to why you are feeling angry. And there are also other reasons why you might be angry that were not covered in this blog post. My hope is that this gives you a place to start so you can make changes in how you respond to your feelings of anger. Some of these concepts are included in the Century Anger Management course which I offer in my private practice. If you live in the Northern Virginia area and are interested in learning more, please contact me.