Four Behaviors that Lead to Divorce
When we first get married we like to think that we have found our “happily ever after.” In truth however, marriage is hard and we have to constantly work at nurturing our relationship in order for it to thrive. In fact, Drs. John and Julie Gottman from The Gottman Institute have researched relationships over the past several decades, and they have discovered that there are specific characteristics and behaviors that separate couples who remain happily married, and those whose marriages don’t last. Today let’s look at four behaviors that damage relationships, and if not changed can ultimately lead to divorce.
#1: Criticism (Antidote: Softened Start-Up)
Let’s face it, it is hard to live with another person. When we first get married it is easy to overlook the irritating things that our partner does, but after a while we start to realize that we really don’t like the way they leave wet towels on the floor, or how they never change the toilet paper roll. But no one likes to be criticized. I want to clarify that criticism is different from a complaint (I actually prefer the term grievance). Criticism takes a complaint (or grievance) and makes it personal. “Why are you so lazy? Can’t you pick up your wet towel off the floor?” “You mean you can’t tell when the toilet paper needs to be replaced? What’s wrong with you?” Everyone can be critical at times, but when you approach conflict in a critical manner it will most likely lead to an argument. Instead, try a softened start-up; Instead of saying “Why are you so lazy? Can’t you pick up your wet towel off the floor?” Try starting off with a positive (or neutral) remark; “Thank you making coffee this morning,” then insert your grievance (which could also be in request form), “After you shower would you mind hanging your wet towels on the bath hook instead of leaving them on the floor?” Bonus points if you can end with a positive statement as well (sometimes called the “sandwich technique”); “I know you do a lot already, and I appreciate you!”
#2: Defensiveness (Antidote: Accept Responsibility)
Defensiveness is a close cousin to criticism, mostly because when we feel personally attacked our initial response is to defend ourselves! But when we get defensive it only shuts down positive communication between partners which is not what you want in a healthy marriage. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility. Even if your partner doesn’t use a softened start-up and becomes critical, is there some truth in their grievance which you can acknowledge? It is really hard to argue with someone who is accepting responsibility. “Ah, you are right. I just don’t think about picking up my wet towels when I’m out of the shower. That’s probably annoying – I will make a better effort to hang things up when I’m finished.”
#3: Stonewalling (Antidote: Self-Soothe)
Stonewalling can look different depending on the situation and from person to person. It can be the silent treatment, or storming out of the house and driving off. I also think some people stonewall by falsely “agreeing” with their partner, not to reconcile but to get them to stop talking. “Yup. You’re right. I agree. Absolutely, ok.” You get the picture. Stonewalling is our way of creating emotional distance when we become flooded with emotions. Per the research by the Drs. Gottman, when you are having a disagreement with your partner and your heartrate goes above 100 bpm, you are emotionally flooded. The antidote for this is to self-soothe. So yes, you do need to create some distance from the situation, but there is a right way to do that. Taking a time-out, letting your partner know that you don’t want to cause more damage to the relationship and need to take a break, and agreeing on a set time to come back and resume the discussion. I would recommend no less than 20 minutes, and no longer than an hour. During that time, try to do things that help you to feel emotionally grounded so when you come back to the discussion you are able to clearly verbalize what you are feeling without letting the emotions themselves drive the conversation.
#4: Contempt (Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation)
I talk about contempt last, because in my opinion it really is the “nail in the coffin.” Contempt is the loss of respect for your partner, and it can look like sarcastic comments, eyerolls, name calling, cursing, and body language that says “you are not worth my time.” According to Dr. John Gottman, “contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.” The antidote is to build a culture of appreciation, which must be done over time, because when we are constantly showing appreciation for our spouse we are less likely to lose respect for them and fall into contemptuous behavior. If you do find yourself falling into contempt, try focusing on your own feelings instead of your partner.
Finally, some additional clarification.
It is important to note that ALL relationships experience these behaviors, called The Four Horseman, from time to time. It doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. However if you allow these behaviors to continue unchecked, they will lead to serious problems. Research shows that when all four behaviors are present on a consistent basis, the relationship will end early (5.6years after marriage). So what if you already know that you are in this high-risk divorce category? All is not lost – you can learn the skills you need to make changes in yourself and your marriage to heal and move toward a positive future! If you would like to find out how you can strengthen your marriage, please contact me for a consultation.
